Saturday, December 20, 2008

"a hard time"

i don't know why people say they are having a hard time.

but i am having a hard time. it's not like i'm just having a bad week. and overall, my life is absolutely above and beyond what i hoped it would ever turn out to be.

but i am having a hard time. over the past couple of years, i have gone from having... dozens? of friends and people i could hang out with on any old night of the week to having... about two friends who don't even live here.

and i have a great boyfriend. and i have a great job. and i do have my stitch and bitch girls, and a few cool acquaintances.

i guess, what i miss is feeling known and knowing other people. any of the people that i have fallen out of touch with? of COURSE i still care about them. i would guess that they care about me, too. but i don't know them anymore. i can't be there for them when they're having a bad day, i can't help them move, i can't sing karaoke with them, or eat popsicles with them (not that i would, right now), or watch pride and prejudice or get in a surprise philosophical conversation or or or or or or. and they don't know me either. they have no idea what i have gone through over the past year and almost a half.

they don't know that i am a different person now, and that i have had to make some of the hardest choices of my life, alone.

and that i am proud of myself for where i stand today. i am proud of myself for doing what needed to be done, for stepping out, for taking leaps of faith, for being balanced, for speaking my mind, for being patient with myself, and for refusing to be tormented by the relentless expectations and demands of this life.

so, maybe i'm not actually having a hard time. maybe i'm just doing some growing, and poking up through some hard soil. i don't know. i get a feeling, though, that pretty soon i'll be just fine.