Thursday, September 10, 2009

it has come to my attention

...that i have been punking out on updating this little blog, here. it's ok, though, because i am still in the early stages of punking out, during which it's easy to reverse the trend.

i have been busy trying to get myself together, over here.

it turns out that achieving balance in diet, exercise, and spending isn't that easy. well, maybe for some people. but for me it has been a knock-down, drag-out fight with myself and my will and my spoiled brat-ness.

i really thought it wouldn't be too bad. i thought i could do it all this year. i am starting to realize that balance isn't just something i can decide to do once. it's something i have to get up every day and do. i may have written this before, but my old boss used to say that the way to achieve major victory is just to do one right thing after another. and he meant the little things. get up when the alarm goes off. walk or get to the gym today. don't eat seconds. don't buy x, y, or z today... and especially not x, y, AND z, which is more my speed.

i have heard the concept of one day at a time before, and i really thought that i was living that way and that i understood what it meant. and i am here to tell you, i was lying to myself!! i have learned this year that i am a chronic planner, which is really just a nice way to say that i am a total worrywart. so now, every day i wake up and face an additional challenge: TODAY ONLY.

this is huge for me. and it is really helping me work out my issues with laziness and entitlement. it sounds pretty ugly when i use those words, but that's basically what it boils down to. i think i deserve to be thin and in control and also to be financially stable. and i DO... but. i have to bust my butt and earn it myself. combine that realization with being a chronic planner, and what you get is me, charting how much weight i should be losing this year, how huge my savings account should be, how many minutes of exercise i need to work up to, etc.

and, i have a shocking revelation: i was driving myself bonkers. totally nutty. i felt like, every free second of every day i was planning, obsessing, making mental notes to myself to check this or look up that. it got to be too much. about 2 weeks ago, i totally shut down. i stopped trying. i stopped caring (kind of. does a chronic worrier really ever stop caring?)

somehow, two mornings ago, i woke up with a new attitude. i decided the night before that i was going to stop planning. stop worrying about when, and just focus on trying to make good choices every single day. i set my alarm two hours earlier. on tuesday morning, i woke up before the alarm and took a walk. then i came home and ate a nice breakfast. wednesday morning? the same. this morning? the same, in a minute. today i am going to go to the gym on my way to work instead of going for a walk, though.

so i am only concerning myself with today. this is new for me. and it feels better. it's freeing. beause, when i only have to keep it together for one day? i can do a lot more that i realized.