Friday, August 14, 2009

sometimes i feel like a major weirdo.

it's hard not to feel like a major weirdo when you're at least a minor weirdo.
because being even a little weird or unconventional gets people in a tizzy. and when you tell them why you are the way you are, they feel compelled to "sell" you on their viewpoint.
i experience this when i explain to people that i don't have a diamond engagement ring because i don't WANT a diamond engagement ring. it's a total fake. the most common response? "oh, you HAVE to have a diamond."
i am currently experiencing this when i tell people that i don't want a wedding, or a reception, and i could give a crap about the gifts. that we don't really want kids. that we're probably going to live with his mom for a while.
i don't WANT to spend my time sticking up for my right to make adult choices. i'm an ADULT. i would like for people to assume that i do actually go through some kind of decision-making process. just ask eric, the poor guy. he has heard every possible scenario for every possible choice i might want to make. and the pros and cons. and then lather, rinse, repeat.
but i notice that it seems like, just because i share important news with people? those people have no problem with telling me how not ok they are with my life choices, and i'm not too thrilled with that.
eric would probably say that it's because it's a natural tendency of humans to create in-groups and out-groups, or whatever you call them. in my understanding, this is "sneetches with stars upon thars" vs. the regular old sneetches. people want to be around people like them. people who do or have the same things they do. people who don't rock the boat or shake things up.
i have never had this feeling of belonging based on similarities. i like to be engaged. learning. growing. moving. exploring differences.
i have never thought of myself as a boat-rocker. i do consider myself to be someone who actually thinks about what i want before i just do something that everyone else is doing and seems to be enjoying.
i tend to have a more steady trajectory. i know who i am. i know what i want (and those things are constantly evolving, thankfully). i make choices based upon those things, and on my inherent desire to expand my horizons. i don't make choices based on what "the group" (whoever they are) is doing.
and, i guess, if that makes me a weirdo... i'll take it.