Monday, August 17, 2009

i'm out of it...consider yourself warned.

it's the heat. i dream wine and pottery shards. i need to update my blogroll. i still have an old link for allie. like how i linked to myself instead of her? it's because i want to make sure, if she reads this, that she sees that post.

i am listening to old music that means new things. i am losing my old self. it is melting away in the heat. just now i thought maybe that's why i like spring and fall the best. i'm not uncomfortable. i'm not stuck somewhere with myself. i am cool and breezy. fleeting. learning.

now i am sitting still, learning. dreaming of guitars and boats. the air is so thick, i chew with every breath.

i miss katie in new york. i miss her so much i am about to cry. i miss 2002. i miss having a best friend in my town who is a girl.

i miss nashville. i miss sweating straight through my clothes, but hearing amazing music for $10. i miss 3rd and lindsley, 12th and porter. i miss the edgehill cafe. fido.

i miss dancing.

i miss linda. i miss her wisdom and her awesome laugh. i miss her company. i miss michelle. monique. beau and melanie. erik and betsy. betsega. wendy. carla. josh. joel.

i feel like a time is coming soon when i will have more. right now i feel like i am lacking. i feel a hole where these people aren't, and where they haven't been for... holy crap, i just realized that tomorrow will be 2 years to the day that i pulled out of nashville.

but i missed it as soon as i left. and i missed it ever since. and i don't regret leaving, because i have to be here. it's a really important time for me, for family, for eric. i feel like i am getting a second chance at foundation-building. not many people get that. and i feel ridiculously blessed.

i have this plant, you see. and i've had it since i was about 22 years old. when i inherited it from an old roommate, it was basically a stick in a pot with a few leaves dangling from the stick. it came to college with me. it grows when i grow. it wilts when i wilt. my friend told me that means it's my "soul plant"... but i think it's just that when i'm happy i get stuff done. like taking proper care of plants.

however. i haven't really done anything to this plant recently. i don't even know when i watered it last. i re-potted it in the spring and then set it in a sunny spot on the porch. i was really afraid it was about to die. i have never seen it look so terrible. wilty. droopy. even the woody stem parts looked wilted, if that's possible.

and this thing. let me tell you. it's becoming a tree. it has huge, plump, dark green leaves. at least one new branch. and soon, it will be up to my neck.

but that's what i mean when i say, sometime soon. sometime soon i will walk out the door into the night air and say, "woah." and i will wonder when i became a tree. when i grew from a shrively hurting plant with cramped feet to a glorious growing thing with leaves so big and lush that they could actually provide shade to some living thing.

sometime soon.