Monday, December 21, 2009

holiday cheer = 0

i desperately want holiday cheer. desperately.
i keep trying to cheer myself up.
i can't make it happen.
this year has been too hard.
it has been the year of sickness and sadness and lonliness. the year of failed goals. the year of... nothing.
zero to the first power. zero minus zero.
everything that got accomplished or built got unaccomplished or unbuilt.
the year of friendships dissolving. dying beyond any life that a stupid holiday card might bring.
therefore, it is with a heavy heart that i must say, "bah humbug."
i guess i would be completely remiss in leaving out eric, who, after working at the dirty store all day yesterday, came home humming the little drummer boy. it made me laugh until my face hurt. and we DID get engaged this year. eric is the contradiction to everything i posted here. he gets better and better, and our relationship gets stronger and stronger, while the things around us fall apart.
and my other friends, that did not dissolve and fall off the map and snub me and abandon me when i needed them the most. most of them don't live in this city, though.
and my new friends. ok, you got me. new friend. friend, singular. many good thoughts go out to the wonderful, wise, brilliant, creative, and witty ms. bizarro. the woman has a gift for opening chat windows at the perfect time, too.
ok, also. i have to be kind of happy because, somewhere, in my stupid, unmathly brain? i remembered that, although it sounds cool to say zero to the zero power, that actually equals one. WHY it equals one, i don't know and probably never will.
could someone point me to the nearest rock so that i can go crawl under it, please?